©Ian Gosling 2008

SIXPENCE

Whatever became of …?

Swallows and Amazons, the Famous Five

Biggles, Roy Rogers and Tintin

Make believe

A den in the woods; tree houses

Cowboys and Indians; Cops and Robbers

Paddling in the stream; fishing in the pond

Beachcombing

Looking for…

Whatever you could find …

Washed up on the shore

Bits of old … this and that

That could become… with imagination …

Anything

Flying kites that Dad made

Paper planes

and water bombs, made from pages torn from the back of an exercise book

Marbles, spud guns, pea shooters and catapults

Wooden rulers … to propel ink pellets, or use as swords

Meccano sets; Dinky toys raced across the playground

Beano and Dandy; Biffo the Bear and Desperate Dan

The Eagle; Dan Dare and the Mekon and cutaway drawings of …

jet planes, tanks, space rockets, racing cars and trains

DC and Marvel comics came from America … Superman, Wonderwoman, The Hulk, Spiderman, Flash and Green Lantern. With the adverts for things like, ‘Giant footlocker containing 500 US marines with battle tanks and trucks … your own army for only $4.99 plus postage,’

that we couldn’t buy, because we didn’t have a zip code …

whatever that was

And Commando comics; pocket size, just right to hide inside a school book …

and read when teacher wasn’t looking

And threepence back on a bottle

Sneak through the back gate of the shop

Nick a couple of empties from a crate

Take them to the counter and get sixpence …

Buy an ice cream

Or …

Two bags of crisps with blue paper twists full of salt

Black Jacks and fruit salad … mix them up … four for a penny … that’s two dozen

A Jamboree bag, a handful of liquorice sticks or a couple of sherbet dips

Bazooka Joe bubble gum … cards to collect and swap in the playground

Cream soda, cherryade, dandelion and burdock …Tizer

Or …

In November … six penny bangers, three jumping jacks or a Catherine wheel

Or …

Stink bombs … JJJ

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CONVERSATION WITH MY GRANDFATHER

What was it like?
Waking to the sound of silence
Eyes blinded by darkness
Knowing that nothing is as it was
Nor can it ever be again

Have you already left this world?
And departed for the next
Or are you still here?
Watching me …
As you did in life
Silent, imprisoned
Within that decaying flesh

Only you can know
I … can only guess

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DOWN

Bright, dazzling bright; brilliant white
Light floods the room
Awakening me from my dreams,
From the dark, black, ebony night,
Where I am forced to wander
Through endless landscapes,
Devoid of colour and starved of light

Landscapes that can only be felt … not seen
What lies beyond the next step?
A window to let in light?
A way up?
A chasm in to which to fall?
To end this misery?
Or prolong it?

Each night, I walk in dread
In terror; I try to feel my way
But my outstretched arms touch nothing
Only my feet can feel
The ground beneath, rough, uneven and always
Falling away
Am I to walk forever downwards?
Down until I reach
What?
The centre of the earth?
The other side?
Of what?

Surely if I turn
I can go back
Up
But on every side the ground falls
Away from the spot on which I stand, and every direction is …
Down, always down
The way I came, should now be up
But … it is down.
This cannot be
For if every way is down
How did I get here?

So I move again; slowly; forward
Because every way is forward
There is no backwards; no sideways; no up
Only forward …
And down

Bright, dazzling bright; brilliant white
Light floods the room
And I will see another day
But tonight …
I must return
 

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THE FUTILITY OF EXISTENCE

I was thinking

Contemplating the awfulness of inevitability

Time … a series of unrepeatable, unique moments
yet every one the same, when measured
in the minutes and seconds that tick relentlessly by
bringing ever closer the day …

when everything I have ever known …

Ever felt
Ever loved
Ever been
Or will be
Or wanted to be
… but failed
Or could have been
…. but there was never enough time

Everything I know
… everything I don’t know
Every thought I ever had
… or will have
Everything I have ever done
… or left undone
Every success
… and every failure
Every victory
Every defeat
Every sensation
Every emotion
… joy, sadness, elation, depression, love, hate, anger …despair

Every memory
… of you
… of us
… of everyone and everything

Everything that is me

Everything

…. will end

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7/7

Without warning
Without a sound
Without a thought for anyone
They travelled underground

Without hesitation
Without fear
Without a shred of conscience
They knew the end was near

Without a glance at you or me
Without a look around
Without a word to anyone
Death rode the underground

Did they take even a second to consider
Why life is such a bitch?
Did they ever question
What made them … press the switch?

People screamed and sirens wailed
I didn’t hear a sound
My ears bled, my eyes were blind
Trapped under the ground

I held your hand, I stroked your face
Cried …‘til I could cry no more
I cried for you, I cried for all
The burnt and bloody victims, of this unholy war

Today, again, I wept for you
As people stood around
Ashes to ashes, you return to dust
once more, buried underground

And when it was done ….

Did they meet their god?
Do they now walk in his heaven?
Or is burning in the depths of hell
their just reward for 7/7 ?

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UNILATERAL CONVERSATION

That isn’t how it’s supposed to be
It’s not what we agreed
I thought that you were …
Didn’t you?

Why don’t you ever listen?
You never hear what I say
I thought you were …
Didn’t you agree?

Was I talking to myself?
Are you listening to me?
I thought that you were …
Don’t you see?

What’s that?
Sorry, I didn’t hear
I thought that you were …
Did you say something to me?
 

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NEVER

Never say you love me
That way only leads to pain
Never say you need me
It will never be the same

Never let me see
What lies behind the mask
I will never hear you
So you must never ask

You and I will never be
We are only passing ships
So never say you love me
Hold the words; don’t move your lips

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SPIRITS DANCING

To know that you love me
Is to know, that I am me
To know that …
I will never be alone
and will always be free

To know that you love me
Is to know, I am alive
To know that …
I will always have you
and I will survive

To know that you love me
Is the greatest gift of all
To know that …
I can never fail
and I will never fall

To know that you love me
Is to know, that I love too
To know that …
When my spirit dances
it steps in time with you

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ONLY

Only when my heart is open
Only when I let you in
Only then, am I complete
Only then, can life begin

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THE END

Reach out
Let me touch your hand again
I feel no pain
Let me feel as one with you
Let me feel …

Exhilaration
Our fingertips conducting
Bolts of electricity
Rushing
Surging
Flashing
Sparking through the circuits of my brain
Instantly
Completely
Stunning
Short-circuiting my senses
I feel no pain
I am invincible
I am …

Floating
Away
Away from you
Away from love
I am …

Fading
Away
I feel no pain
Soon I will be invisible
Soon I will be …

Gone
I am dying
I feel no pain
I feel no fear
Only numb

I am cold now
I can feel no more
Reach out
Touch my hand

I cannot feel
But I may still have time
… to remember
 

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WET

Has Spring come early this year
Or is it Winter that is late?

Do you remember when it was really cold?
Bright winter mornings … crisp and fresh, like starched white bed linen
when you could see for miles in the crystal-clear, blue-white light
Frost, crunching underfoot
The ground, hard as stone, beneath its coat of icy bright
that reflected the sun and made us feel warmer
even though the air was freezing
And our breath froze
Every word from our bright red ruby lips
carried in clouds of pure white

But …did it ever snow at Christmas?
Or was that an illusion
A fantasy
we lived inside the cards we sent

But I do remember …
Fresh, crispy-clean, freezing-cold winter days when we were children
When we put on scarves and boots and buttoned our coats right up to our chins
Ice-clad pavements became the Cresta Run, tea trays for toboggans.
We threw snowballs at Mrs Jones, and made snowmen in the garden
and you always lost one of your gloves

Now it’s just cold and drab … and wet

Wet
Cold and wet
That’s not how winter is supposed to be
We’ve been cheated
Short-changed

Wet
Cold and Wet
December, January and February came
But the season wasn’t Winter
Just an impostor with no name

Wet
It wasn’t even cold
Just Wet
Spring isn’t early this year
Winter never came
 

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ELECTRIC BLUE

Blue
Cold … Electric Blue
Ice cold

So cold, that …
the colour freezes your eyes
So cold that …
your eyes will never melt, and
stare forever
Unblinking
Fixed
Focussed …
not seeing the shapes
Focussed …
only on the colour

Blue
Cold … Electric blue

So cold
So beautiful
So clear

Pure Blue …Electric Blue

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WHY?

I am beauty; I am grace; I am tenderness
my belly gave life to your children, your grandchildren, your nieces, your nephews
my breasts gave them the nourishment; to make them strong
my hands have nursed them through their sickness
and yours too
my arms have comforted them through their pain
and yours too
my feet have walked for many miles, gladly carrying their burdens
and yours too
my heart is filled with joy at their very being
and yours too
I have protected them; watched over them, and you
my eyes see dangers that yours do not
my ears hear alarms that you cannot
my soul sings … with praise to God on their safe return
and yours too
I belong to them … and to you
they … and you are the reason for my being.
without them … without you; I am nothing. And yet,
In God’s eyes we are all equal
but, I am also unique
for I am me … and I too have dreams
like them … like you
and I must find out, what I can do.
to find my limits for myself
to reach for the stars
and if I fail; it is better than had I not tried at all
but when all is said; when all is done
I am just what you see … and I will always be
for I am beauty; I am grace; I am tenderness.
Yes … I am woman
Oh! Husband, Oh! Father, Oh! Brother….
…. why do you fear me?

~~~~

BECAUSE

I am proud; I am selfish; I am weak
and I am afraid that I may not be worthy of your love
so I dare not admit my imperfections
and I am afraid to make mistakes; for I am afraid that you may think me foolish
to protect you, I must be strong
and I am afraid that if I show weakness, you may leave me
for I am afraid that you may think I do not love you enough
and I am afraid that I may lose you
so to show that I am strong, I order my children, and you, to obey me.
and when they do not … and I am angry; they run to you
and I am afraid that our children may not love me
I am afraid that I may not achieve my dreams, so I dare not share them with you
for if I do; and if I fail, I am afraid that you may not love me
and I am afraid that the more you learn; the more that you achieve
the less worthy, you will think I am
so I keep you like a bird in a cage
to protect… not you; but myself
so that you will not leave me, for another who is better than I
for another who is all that I should be, and am not
I do this because I love you, and I could not bear to lose you
for I am afraid of being alone
afraid of living without your love; and
when I think of this my heart is filled with sadness, and tears well in my eyes. but …
I do not let you see my tears, for you may think me weak
and you may not love me
I wish that we could share our dreams
and reach together for the stars
for I know that together, we may succeed
where each of us alone may fail. but…
because I am foolish; because I am selfish; because I am weak
I am afraid … and
because I am man, I am too proud
and I do not speak about these things
 

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To be continued??

©Ian Gosling 2008